Each heart knows it's own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy (Proverbs 14:10).

Dear Charlie,

It was so sad to hear the news of your father's death.  I'm sure that it must be very difficult... I can imagine that it came as quite a shock... You must be so distraught... Having gone through the same experience myself... Clearly, it was a devestating blow to your family...

I don't know exactly what to say.  But I'm here for you, if I can be of any help whatsoever.

Love,

Eric

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I always have a hard time with offering meaningful condolences.  Just about anything sounds trite, hollow, condescending, empty... And I think this is because we cannot truly know or understand what another person is feeling.  We can sympathize to a certain extent, yes, but each heart alone knows its own bitterness.  Those feelings are not transferable.  I've noticed the same thing is true (albeit less depressing) for when a new baby is born.  Yes, I can feel sort of hapy or sad, appropriate to the news that comes in -- but it's really never experiencing the joy or sorrow of another person (or group of persons).  It's purely accessing my own emotions from similar experiences.

Does this mean we should stop sending sympathy cards or trying to listen to our friends talk about their grief or gladness?  No!  But we may want to be more careful -- and more truthful -- about what we can say in those situations.  It doesn't necessarily make the condolences or congratulations any easier.  But it does make them better.