Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out. (Proverbs 17:14)
In the Netherlands, water management is a serious issue. A third of the country lies at or below sea level, the North Sea being held back by an elaborate system of dams, dikes, and dunes. So yes, the Dutch take their water management very seriously. The crown-prince himself studied water management in university. And though my own knowledge of water management cannot hold a candle to that of Prince Willem-Alexander, I do know that maintaining a dike or a dam or a system of levies requires diligence and vigilence. And the reason for this is that if one part of the defense system goes, then the whole system is compromised, as the weight of the accumulated water pushes its way through the breach. It's a fact of water management: maintaining a system of dams and dikes requires a holistic approach -- not localized, pin-point reactionary response.
Human relationships work much the same way.
I see this, I've experienced this, and I understand this. Still, I have to admit that Proverbs 17:14 sometimes sits uncomfortably with me. This idea of avoiding divisive discussions feels a bit like family dysfunction. It feels like we're being instructed to give way to fear or intimidation or dysfunction. And I have to wonder: Does the Bible really suggest this? Wouldn't that be kind of wrong, if it did?
But here's the thing: There's a pretty significant difference between pursuing difficult conversations in a respectful way... and, well, quarreling. Quarreling seems to be motivated by picking apart one's opponent's defenses, trying to agitate them into perpetrating an offense that will either make one's own cause seem more righteous or that just plain results in bullying and pressing one's advantage. However, respectful conversations are about seeking the best for the other person, asking good questions, listening well, practicing openness and vulnerability. There's really no such thing as a "good" quarrel; but a willingness to approach difficult conversations in a respectful way is an essential relational skill.
It really is like maintaining a dam or a dike or a levy. The stronger the overall flood control system is, the easier it is to pursue meaningful patchwork. However, when a system is not strong, then we need to be extra-careful, focusing more on applying general reinforcements. We need to build up the whole system, as opposed to spot-work reacting to a specific source of irritation or difficulty.
So the next time you're in a tense, quarrelsome situation, remember the advice of Old King Solomon -- or young Prince Willem-Alexander, for that matter -- and drop the matter before a dispute breaks out. Focus instead on building up the relationship in general, and if weak spots in the system need to be addressed, do it carefully and with a considered plan. Water management is serious business.
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