In the way of righteousness there is life; along that path is immortality (Proverbs 12:28).

If it were up to me, I'd want nothing more than to be a writer.  If I were financially independent and free of all other responsibilities, I would embrace an existence of traveling the world, writing about the meaningfully instructive and the touchingly happenstance... I've had different dreams throughout the years -- to be an ambassador, or an advertiser, or a documentary producer, or whatever -- but it seems to me that the most complete and mature rendition of these motifs is to simply be a writer... A storyteller.

Sometimes, I try to think of what it might look like or feel like to "make it" -- to "go big-time," to be recognized by mainstream popular culture, to have a book at the top of the New York Times' list of bestsellers.  But I just don't see it happening anytime soon.  I guess I don't want it badly enough... except that I do want it very badly.  I just feel stuck between desires and realities.

Western popular culture tells me that I must "go for it."  That I must abandon myself to my dreams.  That I will go to the grave with deep regrets if I do not give it a shot, at least.  That I'll always wonder "what if."  That I am a pansy and a loser if I do not put it all out there.  That I owe it to myself and the world to just try.  That if I don't shoot the ball, I will miss the basket for sure.  That no one will write the biography or shoot the film featuring the life story of a man who paced himself well, who lived a decent life in relative obscurity, who was "dependable," who died with a few beloved family and friends to mourn him... or, alternatively, if this vanilla fellow were to feature in anyone else's book or movie, it would be as the wimp, the naysayer, the one to be pitied, maybe even the villain.  Yes, the world tells me that I will only benefit from giving it the ol' college try -- somehow, someday, someplace...

But I wrestle with this.  I mean, what if the realities are all pretty much in place?  I'm not saying that it would be impossible for me to become a career writer.  In fact, I think it could be entirely possible to become a writer... or a millionaire... or a movie star... or the President of the United States... or whatever!  I'm just not sure if it's worthwhile.  I mean, what would it mean for my wife, if I were to pursue my dream of becoming a writer?  What would it mean for my children?  What would it mean for my friends in Amsterdam?  What would it mean for the calling that I feel God has placed on my life?  I feel like I might be able to attain my dreams -- but at what cost to me and those around me?  Sometimes it occurs to me that the "pursue your dreams at all costs" way of thinking might actually be a selfish way of thinking?  Consider:  Lance Armstrong overcame incredible odds to pursue his dreams and win an unprecedented seven victories in the Tour de France -- preserving a legacy in the sport of cycling and a personal financial future (I'm a big Lance Armstrong fan, by the way).  And I know what Lance would say on the motivational speaking circuit -- that you've gotta go for it, that nothing can stop you -- but does he say that to himself when he sits in front of the mirror at night?  Would he do it all over again?  Would he trade his wife (divorced) and kids (estranged) for seven Tour de France titles?  I've got to wonder... Could it be that we're marinated in the "go for it" / "pursue your dreams" culture simply because it is perpetuated by people who have "gone for it," who have "lived out their dreams" to become celebrities and leaders and motivational speakers who now depend on this message for their daily bread and their own sense of self-worth?

I think most of us struggle from time to time with this quest for immortality.  We want to reach for the stars, but we don't want to sacrifice the ones we love the most.  For me personally, I've gotten to the point where I think I'd like to tie up all the ambitions for fame and "success" in a neat little bundle to be thrown on the fire to warm me in my "normal" existence.  But I still worry that in so doing, I'm throwing away my immortality.  Proverbs 12:28, however, offers me hope, saying that "In the way of righteousness there is life; along that path is immortality."  Jesus also challenged us similarly:  "Don't rejoice that the spirits submit to you (or that your life-long dreams come true), but rejoice that your names are written in heaven" (Luke 10:20).  I need to "seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to (me) as well" (Matthew 6:33).  Truth be told, I'm pretty curious to know what that kind of immortality really looks like and feels like... But I guess I'll have a long time to figure that out, if the promises of Proverbs 12:28 hold true.