Who has woe?  Who has sorrow?  Who has strife?  Who has complaints?  Who has needless bruises?  Who has bloodshot eyes?  Those who linger over wine, who go to sample bowls of mixed wine (Proverbs 23:29-30).

There was a time when one of my friendships was extremely strained (I'm going to speak of it very generally and very generically, so as to avoid implicating any particular individual).  Every time we saw each other, it seemed there was something to argue about.  It was obvious that my friend was miserable with his job, with his personal relationships, and even with practical stuff like his living situation.  But even when I would try to come at things patiently, gently, ready to listen and help -- our conversations turned ugly.  At times, the conversation would even border on verbal abuse!  There were times when I felt like I just couldn't take it any more, but I didn't want to abandon my friend either, particularly when he was going through such a dark time in his life.  So we maintained our friendship, and I just saw my friend getting deeper and deeper into a pit of depression and bitterness and anger.  He started getting in trouble at work.  He couldn't sleep at night.  I would try to ask what was going on, and it would only create more arguments.  And along the way, our friendship suffered some seemingly irreparable damage.  Eventually, we just stopped seeing so much of each other.  We drifted apart, even though neither one of us necessarily intended for that to happen.

It was only some time later that I learned my friend had been actively struggling with an old addiction.  I knew he had struggled with addiction in this particular area, some years previously -- but I had naively assumed that it was nothing but a relic of the past.  It never even occurred to me to directly ask my friend if he might have fallen back on his old habits!  But after I found out about the problem, I felt so stupid!  I felt like I should have known better.  But of course, hindsight is 20/20.  Foresight is often very blind -- especially in the case of addiction.

Addiction is awful.  It's something intensely shameful and private, so an addict can spend almost all his time trying to cover up the root problem.  And yet all the time, the addiction is eating away at him, destroying him piece by piece.  Particularly with advanced alcoholism or drug abuse, addiction can ultimately prove to be completely debilitating and destructive.  Over time, it becomes practically impossible to hold a job, maintain a relationahip, and keep up with the most basic rhythms of life.  The addict suffers financially, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  But he suffers in silence and in isolation.  The irony is that there is usually a wide swath of collateral damage around him (or her) as well.  Loved ones cannot avoid bearing some of the burden from the addiction (even if they're not completely aware that this is the burden that they are feeling bear down on their backs).  Like me with my friend, even the best of intentions will often lead to being mistreated, unappreciated, and sometimes even blamed for the troubles of the addict.  It's nasty, terrible stuff.  And when it eventually comes out that it was all rooted in a basic problem like an addiction, everyone feels so stupid, so naive, so dense...

To be honest, there is probably no sure-fire way to avoid these destructive dynamics when patterns of addiction set in.  It may be impossible to detect in some situations.  But it is useful to look at Proverbs 23:29-30 as being something of a diagnostic tool.  Who has woe?  Who has sorrow?  Who has strife?  Who has complaints?  Who has needless bruises?  Who has bloodshot eyes?  If all of these dynamics seem to be swirling about -- depression, bitterness, anger, arguments, sustained damage in various areas of a person's life (like work, financial management, relationships), and a general downward turn in health -- it could very well be that addiction is at play.  It may be uncomfortable to suggest, but my own experiences have taught me that it's better to ask, even at the risk of offending the other person.  Addiction is awful -- but it's even more awful if a person has to go through it completely alone.  In community there is strength.  In honesty and humility, there is hope.  In God, all things are possible.